


loveless

by calore



Series: FLIPPED! [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Jaehee is a musical actress, Role Swap AU, i tried. thats all u need to kno, it's a Deep Conversation that's literally it, jumin is a college professor but id if thats clear, this is probably VERY ooc bc this role swap crap is HARD, v and seven have other sexy roles too but like they're not important, vandy is her manager, yeah idk what this is either bro i just thought it was pretty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:28:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26377288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calore/pseuds/calore
Summary: “You know,” he murmured, catching her attention, “I’ve been led to believe that you have never been loved before.”This took her aback, and she blinked, crossing her brows. Never would she have expected to hear anything like that from him. Who was he to try and pry into her personal life? For how dismissive he was, this simply did not make sense and she didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that he was lying. “I’ve been loved,” she said, “I don’t know what makes you believe I haven’t.”“The way in which you reject every single affection coming your way makes me believe you don’t know how to react to love because you’ve never been loved like that.”_______Jaehee and Jumin talk about love and being loved.
Relationships: Han Jumin & Kang Jaehee, IF U SQUINT - Relationship, Kang Jaehee/Main Character (Mystic Messenger), Unrequited Kang Jaehee/Zen | Ryu Hyun
Series: FLIPPED! [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1916935
Kudos: 8





	loveless

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyyy whatsup so i wrote this in a random sprout of inspiration i had while doing hw :)) and frankly i have NO IDEA what goes on in here but hey it was fun 2 write!! and also painful.
> 
> the role swap au was a last minute choice bc why the hell not u kno.... but it made this so much harder and like its probably SUPER ooc but like oh well 
> 
> inspired by @anon-drabble's role switch headcanons on tumblr - https://anon-drabble.tumblr.com/post/190442230681/role-switch-headcanons

A storm raged in the early afternoon. How appropriate, considering the current state of everything. With the hacker’s threats and the revelation that Chaeyoung was living with a bomb, Jaehee’s mind felt like a thundercloud, unable to think clearly as increasingly darker thoughts filled her mind. She had to trust Luciel and V now more than ever, but she found it hard. Should she have trusted them in the first place, considering how much they’d hid from her, from all of them? Just today, Jaehee’s entire life had been flipped, and she found herself questioning every decision she’d made since she joined the RFA. 

But she knew none of that would help. She knew that all she could do was trust V and keep herself safe, and that’s exactly what she was doing, as she quickly walked into Jumin’s apartment complex to avoid getting wet. He’d called her around an hour earlier, asking her to spend the night in his apartment to ensure her safety. She figured she might as well, his luxury apartment was much safer than her loft, and both of them could use some company right now. Even if that company was just wine and useless conversation. Jumin’s nagging and his tangents on how anxiety was illogical were not what she needed right now, but it was better than nothing, at least. 

A security guard led her in and with nothing but a simple “hello,” he showed her to the guest bedroom. It was quite well-equipped for having been prepared in an hour. The maids had done it, he said. Of course. 

Jaehee set down the duffel bag she’d brought and headed into the living room to lay down on a couch. Elizabeth had almost immediately jumped up to lay in her lap, and Jaehee squirmed. She was very fond of these jogger pants, but she was not fond of cat hair. But moving her leg to get the cat to leave wasn’t working, so she just let her stay there as she resumed the texting argument with her manager. Vanderwood had figured out about the hacker and they were not happy about it, throwing all the shit on Jaehee rather than on… literally anyone else. Yes, she knew that if the messages leaked it could potentially hurt her image (though she hadn’t said anything potentially damaging, you never knew). She also knew she wasn’t the only one compromised. They were talking in circles at this point, and this was getting tiring. Jaehee had better things she could be doing right now. 

And then they called. Excellent. 

“Sujin is going to be furious, you know that, right?” They were using that high-pitched exasperated tone, that i-can’t-believe-this-bullshit tone. One Jaehee wasn't very familiar with. But how was this her fault? 

“And that’s not my problem anymore,” she retorted, keeping her voice level. “I was hoping you could sort that out with him, if I did he’d just think I was making up an excuse, which I am not.”

“That’s exactly the problem! You don’t want to get on his bad side!”

She sighed. “And what do you suggest I do, then? Show him the documents and messages that confirm we’ve been hacked by God knows what kind of organization, and that I might potentially be in danger? I can give him Luciel or Jihuyn’s contact if you want, they’ll explain this better than I do.” This was getting redundant. 

“And how am I supposed to explain that? ‘Jaehee’s on this charity organization that is somehow about to get nuked by some fuckers that may or may not be out to get her?’”

“Tell him what I told you in the texts.” She spoke patiently, wanting to only say this once. “And if he has any more questions, then I’ll forward him to Luciel and he’ll explain.”

“This Luciel guy better be able to give impressive explanations,” Vanderwood said, “because we’ll need them.”

“He can,” Jaehee said. She saw Jumin approach with a wine bottle and two glasses and figured this was as good of a time as any to cut it. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have better things to do right now--”

“Wait,” they stopped her, “Where are you right now.”

“At Han Jumin’s.”

They made a noise that sounded like a cut off scream. Jaehee huffed. She was not in the mood for this conversation right now. “What are you doing at Han Jumin’s?”

“I’m here for safety reasons,” she said with a frown. In front of her, Jumin was pouring wine into the glasses, feigning unawareness to Jaehee’s phone argument. 

“Okay. Alright, I can get behind that.” They didn’t sound convinced. “Just try not to be seen around there. 

She rolled her eyes but understood their motives. It didn’t make it any less annoying, though. If the cameras ever caught her with a man, any man, she’d have to brace herself for the stampede of dating rumors. This was ridiculous, but it was the bitter reality of female celebrities in South Korea. “Yes, I know, you know I won’t,” she mumbled. 

“Okay then,” they said, cutting the call before Jaehee could say goodbye. 

She pulled the phone away from her ear, letting go of an annoyed huff. A glass of wine came into her line of vision. 

“You seem like you need it,” Jumin said. 

She took it and sat up, shooing Elizabeth away, and brought the wine to her lips. It wasn’t exquisite but not terrible either, it did the trick. She gulped almost the whole glass in one go and Jumin raised his brows, amused. 

“Rough day?”

She raised a brow at him, almost challenging him to say something stupid again. “Where do I even begin,” she deadpanned.

With a huff, he sat down next to her, taking a sip out of his glass. “It has been… quite an interesting week.”

Jaehee nodded, solemn. None of them commented anything, they both knew why. Ever since Min Chaeyoung’s arrival, it felt as if the floor had been pulled out from under them, the order of their lives irreversibly altered to the point where they couldn’t even know what the next hour would bring. Both of them despised it, but at least Jumin wasn’t prone to anxiety. 

“We have gotten closer, though. I like that,” he commented. “Almost like old times.”

She smiled in agreement. She couldn’t deny Chaeyoung had quite literally revitalized the RFA with her arrival, the novelty of her presence drawing everyone to the wilting chatroom once again, and in turn, they’ve gotten closer, almost like in Rika’s days. Her smile turned sad at the thought of Rika, a habit nowadays more than anything. Chaeyoung had a similar effect on them. She was what they needed, the missing piece to the RFA. Not as a replacement for Rika, but as something completely new and just as beautiful.

“Yet a lot has changed, too,” she observed. “Everything is different. I like the way things are now.”

He nodded with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Indeed. I haven’t realized how… how much everyone has changed, until now.”

She turned to find him with his elbows resting on his knees, swirling the wine glass. “Yeah…” she said, “it’s as if… we’re relearning to live with each other. It’s familiar, yet different.”

“Exactly,” he nodded, leaning back. “I’ve honestly forgotten Zen was so…” he shook his head, not being able to find words. 

“Part of me believes you missed your arguments,” she said. 

He chuckled, but it sounded more like a cough. “And I believe you didn’t miss his…” this time the word came quickly, “advances.”

Jaehee simply dropped her eyes to her feet, humming. “I’ve never minded them in the first place,” she thought out loud. Zen had always been naturally forward with almost every girl he’d met. He was the first person to call Jaehee “babe” platonically, and it took her a while to get used to. But it was true that he’d been… more intense in his flattery lately, and it confused her. She frowned. “I don’t know why he acts that way anyway. Again, not that I mind…”

There was a pause, where Jumin took a slow sip of wine and fixated on a spot of the back of the wall. His brows were set down and his eyes flickered around. The gears were turning in his mind, though Jaehee couldn’t figure out why, 

“You know,” he murmured, catching her attention, “I’ve been led to believe that you have never been loved before.” 

This took her aback, and she blinked, crossing her brows. Never would she have expected to hear anything like that from him. Who was he to try and pry into her personal life? For how dismissive he was, this simply did not make sense and she didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that he was lying. “I’ve been loved,” she said, “I don’t know what makes you believe I haven’t.” 

“The way in which you reject every single affection coming your way makes me believe you don’t know how to react to love because you’ve never been loved like that.” He took a sip of wine.

She swallowed through the lump that had formed in her throat. He was once again trying to read her like one of his pie charts, analyzing her, picking her apart to form an equation that could solve her mind. She felt like she was under a microscope, one that revealed the ugliest of truths, those she didn’t want to recognize herself. It was that easy for him to draw the correct conclusion with deadly precision. And, God, did it hurt. He was right, and it hurt. She had spent so much of her life loveless, and it hurt. 

“Well,” she began, running her nail through the rim of her wine glass, an unpleasant sound that made him look her way, “I’ll admit to not having been loved in a long time, yes.” He crossed his hands in front of him, and once again she was under the light of the microscope. “Perhaps for long enough to have forgotten what it looks like, but never how it feels.” 

He nodded, licking his lips, and made a “hm” sound. She pushed her hair behind her shoulders before deciding to continue. “What about you,” she said, burning her eyes to his, almost challenging, “Do you remember what being loved feels like?” 

Immediately he gritted his teeth and looked down. She’d touched a string and she knew it. She didn’t mind, though, she’d meant to. They would have to have a conversation like this sooner or later because, in all their years of friendship, they’ve known they were haunted by similar ghosts. It’s what drew them together in the first place, this distanced nature that no one else seemed to understand. And if they could help each other unravel the shadows that caused that, they might as well.

“I have found... comfort, I’d say, in this life without love,” he said after a pause. “I have also found that love exists in many forms, and not all of them are spoken. Most of the time, words aren’t necessary. They’re empty anyways if actions don’t follow. Promises that don’t go through are a waste of energy.” And then, lower, “to love is... to promise, to guard.” 

This was exactly what she hadn’t been looking forward to when she came here. There he was, going on a tangent again. An unnecessary yet engaging observation. She leaned in. “Happy to hear from somebody who is so well-versed in the subject,” she said, before meeting his gaze. “Given I am so... helpless on this matter.”

“Come on, I never said you were helpless!” His voice rose slightly, and she scoffed. “Only ignorant. You could solve this if you only looked around and acknowledged everything that’s in front of you. If you only said ‘yes’ for once in your life when someone knocked on your door.”

She shook her head. He wasn’t getting it. “And would you be so kind as to show me what I’m so blind to, as you say?” He furrowed his brows and blinked as if pointing out the obvious. She scoffed, raising her brows. “You don’t understand,” she whispered, having finally landed on an answer as to why he was saying all this. “Of course you don’t understand.”

“What do I not understand?” he asked, annoyed. “Please, enlighten me.” 

“You know, I’m starting to doubt if you know what love looks like.” She paused, licking her lips before continuing, “I am not surrounded by love, I am surrounded by praise. By admiration.” 

“I see,” he said, yet his eyes didn’t relax, the telltale sign he’d understood. “I just figured that someone who was so universally loved—“ 

“That’s what I’m saying. I’m not universally loved,” she said, feeling her throat lump once again as the frustrations she’d kept inside threatened to spill, “I’m universally admired. They love me not for who I am, but for what I can do. They love me because I can be something they can love. I can mold myself into the perfect picture of their desires, transform myself into something easy to swallow, easy to love...” she shook her head, leaning back. “I want somebody to love me for myself, not for my image. Not for what I can give.” 

“But you are an actress,” he said, eyes still in that confused expression. “An artist. Don’t you communicate your innermost self, share a piece of your soul, when you act? That is what they love.” 

She grimaced. “I guess you could put it like that. Still...” she met his eyes, “I just wish to be understood. To... be with a person, and not have to worry about being too cold or too much.” 

“You can’t ever fully know a person,” he said, swirling his wine around. 

“I know that,” she raised her brows. “But love is, as you say, a promise. To understand, to rely on the other person.” 

“And why is it so hard for you to make that promise?” 

She huffed. God, was he difficult. “Because it is a hard promise to make. Why are you trying to advise me on this anyway? We both know you’re not one for romance.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “I’m not, but you might be.” 

“I’m not one for romance either, you know this.”

“But you could be.” This made her look at him. “It’s not good to waste alone like this.” 

“It sounds like you’re speaking to yourself,” she remarked, narrowing her eyes. Then, she turned away. “It’s not like I have much of a choice when it comes to romance, anyway.” She propped her chin on her hand and took a breath. “And I’m okay with that.” 

“Are you really?” Concern filled his voice, something she didn’t see often. Usually, she was the concerned one. So this meant his worry had exceeded normal levels. 

She met his eyes before immediately deciding to concentrate on her shoes. For all her acting skills, she could not find it in her to lie to him. He’d see right through it anyway. For the second time in the night, she could only spill the unfiltered truth. “I just want someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’m being bled dry, like they’re taking too much of what I give” 

He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off before he could. “Even you do that sometimes... I mean, when was the last time we spoke like this? You see me only as a mind, not a person, because that’s the only valid transaction we can make.” She worried, for a second, that she’d been too harsh. But she needed to get that out of her system. It was a long-standing frustration, one she was reminded of almost every time they talked. 

“Aren’t all relationships that? Just a series of transactions?” He pondered, and she remembered why she never vented her frustrations out to him. He never took them for what they were, always making them into something to be rationalized, something external from herself. “Just a series of transactions from both parts, to fulfill a need? You give and I take, you take and I give. And ours has only been almost purely intellectual... but that doesn’t devalue it in the slightest, you stimulate my mind as no one else does.” 

She found herself smiling. “I guess you’re right. Guess I’m just not... fulfilling every need, as you say.” 

“You’re not, and it is weighing on you.” She could now see his concerned expression, dark eyebrows crossed and mouth slightly agape. She felt her throat lump once again and had to fight the urge to cry. Not in front of Jumin. 

“It’s okay,” she murmured, mostly to herself. “It’s a weight I know how to carry.”

“I doubt there’s anything you can’t carry.” He leaned back. “You’re very resilient. But you need to let yourself go sometimes. Find someone who can bear some of that weight with you.” 

She sighed. “I can try,” she said, eyes focused on the window, which peeked into the urban jungle that was Seoul, “I doubt I’ll find someone who can… take it all in, though.” She knew she could be too much sometimes, with her hectic schedule and her stubbornness to hide her struggles. If she ever let someone in, it would be an extraordinary feat.

“You know, I really hope you find someone who reminds you what love looks like.” He looked up at her, slightly smirking. “Who knows, maybe it will be her.” 

Jaehee couldn’t help but laugh, and a blush tinted her cheeks. She could see it... and it was a nice picture. Impossible, but nice to imagine. “Maybe,” she breathed. 

Jaehee poured herself another glass of wine, and they carried off, taking their conversation to sunnier places. It wouldn’t be long before she’d forgotten the worries that led her here in the first place, instead focusing on pleasant company. Maybe it hadn’t been a bad idea to come here, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> can we all just agree that jaehee and jumin as friends is a sexy concept
> 
> anyway someone PLEASE get this girl a gf omg


End file.
